The Cabbageness of Things

In the cabbageness of things, just out of reach,
a cabbage in an armchair sits on a beach
with a meerschaum pipe, which he cautiously sips,
while bubbles, not smoke, seep from his lips.

The bubbles float up, and are pecked by birds,
and as each bubble bursts, out tumble words
which together form clues to the mysteries of life,
but they’re grabbed, as they fall, by a greengrocer’s wife
who bags them and keeps them to cook as a stew,
which she gives, every morning, for the cabbage to chew,
who grinds them up slowly, those secrets of life,
so they end up as fragments in the meerschaum pipe
of the cabbage on the beach, who fitfully sings,
in a murmuring voice, of the cabbageness of things.

Lady Chatterley’s Cabbage

Lady Chatterley’s Cabbage
Was big and firm and round.
A strapping hefty vegetable,
Grown on fertile ground.

Lady Chatterley lovingly
Tended to it daily,
Each day she’d sit right down by it,
Conversing with it gaily.

None were ever privy
To her tender whispered talk;
Of how she loved those rich green leaves,
Admired that sturdy stalk.

One day, she said: I’ll have you!
Now you’re huge and ripe!
And with those words, out from her skirt,
She pulled a gleaming knife.

She sliced the cabbage from its roots,
The earth where it had grown
Said: Now my precious vegetable,
You’ll live with me at home!

She took the veg inside with her;
To be her favourite toy,
She clutched it to her bosom,
Her frantic pride and joy.

At evening times, she went upstairs
By flickering candle light;
Her cabbage went, held closely,
And lay with her all night.

Servants at the keyhole
Heard her gasp and groan
And heard the squeak of cabbage leaves,
Content in their new home.

Mr. Chatterley, wretched,
Long banished from her room,
Heard the strangest rumours,
Immersed himself in gloom.

But even cabbages have their day,
In ripeness, green and mellow:
Their leaves will wilt, their stalks will tilt,
Their foliage turn yellow.

Oh no! My precious cabbage!
Lady Chatterley cried,
And mourned that day, not far away
When her cabbage truly died.

Her husband thought he’d win her back
But of him, she had no need;
She simply browsed a catalogue
For brand new cabbage seed!

Paradise Lost (the forbidden veg)

In that first Garden lived Adam and Eve,
Innocent as lambs, we are led to believe.
We’re told that an apple was the source of their woe.
This, I contend, was not really so.
For that serpent of old snaked, not in a tree,
But down on the soil, where veggies grew free.
Try this nice Cabbage! he temptingly hissed,
It’s truly a vegetable not to be missed!
Now God had once warned them; made them both pledge
Never to touch this prohibited veg.
But cabbage, said the serpent, is so good to eat! –
Packed full of vitamins, it's a culinary treat!
So, chopped and pickled, fried and boiled,
They scoffed it, and thus, was Paradise spoiled.
For the cabbage, though a wholesome, nutritious food,
Gave them Knowledge, and they saw they were nude.
Each covered their shame with a large cabbage leaf,
Then God looked in, and bellowed: Good grief!
Your innocence is lost! You have broken your pledge!!
You have eaten of the Cabbage, the forbidden veg!
And as they both cowered, no longer so clever,
He banished them both, from The Garden, forever!
And now, sinful humans, ignoble and savage,
Owe their mean fate to that ill-gotten Cabbage!

My Kingdom for a Cabbage!

A cabbage! A cabbage! My Kingdom for a cabbage!
King Richard the Third first cried,
Unaware, it appears, that a cabbage, in fact,
Is a difficult beast to ride.
It’s small and round and slippery, you see,
With nowhere that’s easy to sit.
And a cabbage will rarely take kindly
To a person on top of it.
It wobbles and shakes, unsettles your tum,
Annoy it enough, it’ll bite your bum!
Few ride for long, they’d rather walk,
Than end up stuck on a cabbage stalk!
Best think again, like King Richard, of course,
Who changed his mind, and demanded a horse!

Behold, the King of Cabbages!

We cabbages believe (Oh, yes! We all believe!)
And we are truly grateful, for all that we receive.
Because we know that from on high, upon His throne above
The Cabbage King He sees all things and radiates His love.
For in a lowly garden, surrounded by a wall,
He sent His one and only seed, to grow amongst us all.

It was a late December eve, the moon was shining bright
A seedling dropped into the soil, and sprouted overnight!
Turnips, leeks, and parsnips, all strained to get a peep
Of what was growing in the cold, whilst most were fast asleep.
“A miracle!” we all exclaimed, “for such a thing to grow!
In the depths of winter time, amongst the ice and snow!”

A fine upstanding cabbage, firm and large and round.
Such a cabbage never seen, to rise from frozen ground!
He spoke of love, and brotherhood, he taught us how to sing
And how to pray and not lose hope, and soon we called him King.
“I am not the King!” he cried, “I am just His seed!
He sent me down, to earthly ground, in this, your time of need!”

He told us of the Garden, located in the sky,
Where all good plants will one day go, when comes their time to die.
He told us of His Father, the mighty Cabbage King
Who sees, and hears, and understands, every earthly thing.
He told us to be patient, and humble, mild, and meek
And one day soon then we shall find, everything we seek.

But then, one morn, came evil Man, with knife so sharp and cold
And cropped our King of Cabbages, and took him to be sold!
“A mighty fine big cabbage!” we heard the killer say:
“This veg will earn a bob or two, this coming market day!”
“Rise up!” we cried in anguish, “It’s time to save the King!”
But we were rooted to the spot, and could not do a thing.

We watched, in angry impotence, our King being hauled away
And as the barrow rumbled off, each cabbage heard Him say:
“Fear not my fellow cabbages! Stand firm in wind and rain!
Fear not the droughts, and frosts and fogs, for I shall come again!
And when I do, upon that day, a blessed dawn shall rise
And men shall bow to vegetables and know them to be wise!”

We took those words and passed them on, to all who droop and mope.
So that, like us, with lighter hearts, they’ll stand and wait in hope.
Now, through the darkest winter nights, and long dry summer days,
We stand and grow, inside we glow, our hearts sing out His praise!
For, though just lowly vegetables, our thoughts are raised up high
As we await our turn to find, that Garden In The Sky!

Only Edward Lear knows…

Only Edward Lear knows…

…why the pobble has got no toes
and why the Dong has a luminous nose.

And only Mr. Lear knows what
or who, or why, is the Akond of Swat.

And you must ask Mr. Lear, for only he
knows why the Jumblies went to sea.

And only he is sure to know
what attracted the Owl and the Pussy Cat so.

And only he can ever let slip
The truth about the Scroobious Pip.

But such expectations are foolish, one fears,
For dear Mr. Lear has been dead for years.

If Edward Lear had eaten his greens as a child, this is what he may have come up with...

The Sprout and the Cabbage

The Sprout and the Cabbage went to sea
In a suitable egg shell boat.
The waves were so high
They thought they would die,
But viscosity kept them afloat.
The sprout cried out: “Oh, Cabbage, my dear!
Wrap your green leaves around me!
Hold on to me tight, and all through the night,
We’ll stay safe in this treacherous sea!”
But the cabbage replied, as they lurched to one side:
“Steady! You lecherous lout!
My life would be wrecked, if my family suspect
I’m at sea with a sex- crazed sprout!”

The Sprout, thus chastised,
Feared their boat might capsize,
And made no further advance.
When the weather had calmed
He declared himself charmed
By the cabbage’s virginal stance.

Then the moon appeared, with the stars above
And the Sprout serenaded his true Cabbage love:
“Oh Cabbage!” he sang, as he strummed his guitar
“What a beautiful big round Cabbage you are!”
The Cabbage’s heart, like the sea had before,
Pounded and swelled - could this be l’amour?
“Oh kiss me, oh kiss me!” the Cabbage declared,
And the Sprout leapt to do as the Cabbage now dared.


So the Sprout and the Cabbage spooned through the night
As the moon shone down a silvery light.
“My veggie! My dear!” they both called out.
“Oh Cabbage! Oh, Cabbage!” “Oh, Sprout! Oh, Sprout!”

In the morning, they woke, side by side
“Oh, Cabbage, my love!” the enraptured Sprout cried;
“Marry me Cabbage, and away we will go,
To a large open field, and there we will grow,
And ripen and bloom and have lots of seed,
There with each other, for that’s all we need!”

But the Cabbage replied “That’s all very fine,
But there’s things I must have, if you want to be mine!
Like quince, and mince, and a runcible spoon,
And shoes for a dance, by the light of the moon!
And money and honey, and a little pig’s ring!
So you’ll have to do more than just strum and sing!
To get all we need will cost a few bob;
I’m afraid, Sprout, it means, you’d best get a job!”

Sprout sadly sighed, for a working life
Was the price he must pay for his dear Cabbage wife.
And so, every day, he slaved away,
For the rent of a small double room.
But then every night, to their endless delight,
They danced by the light of the moon.
Yes, Cabbage and Sprout, each night they went out
And danced by the light of the moon.